2/2/17
It's Groundhog's Day, yippee!!! Not really, but we do have 6 more weeks of Winter as Phi saw his shadow!!! I did watch Fox and Friends this morning like I always do, and noticed Phil is not suffering on any level of being hungry- quite the plumpy groundhog!! I just finished my cup of hot chocolate and am sitting here watching Wife Swap on TV and enjoying the simplicity of the 4 month old little girl I watch. She is happily playing with wipes as she appears to enjoy the sound it gives as she plays with it in her hands!! I wish it were this simple raising teenage girls!! Seems I am not doing anything right with my oldest, Sierra. Seems once she turned 18 she feels entitled and takes it to a whole new level. I am not sure where she thinks its okay to disrespect adults and treat them in a rude manner. I have not raised her to be like this, and just hurts me to know she is like this. Yesterday she walked out of her math class because she was frustrated and angry with the teacher. She didn't even bother to excuse herself, and well it turned into a situation. Ugh!! Lets see if she apologizes to the teacher today as instructed by me. I told her she needs to change her ways as this isn't okay, and it reflects me as I am the only one who raised her to have good morals and values. Disrespecting any adult older than her is NOT okay. Makes me wonder where I possibily went wrong and what I need to do to show her the errors in her ways. I have been feeling a bit guilty and upset at not being able to spend quality time with my middle daughter due to my work schedule in the evenings and her time spent at her dad's. I try to give her all the attention I can when I am with her, but its hard. Completely and utterly sucks. I am batting a dead end as I can't change my work schedule to do needing the money, and have a commitment to the family. Its also hard as she is also a teenager. This is just an area of my life I want to fix, BIG TIME! I just miss her! I also am missing my husband alot. Things are much better, and we have made vast improvements in our time spent together and communication. I have no idea what his thoughts are, but I know that he must be thinking positive things as he seems to be more interested. I do not even wish to have to think like this, it is my husband and he does belong home. I want him home more than anything.. Just missing him makes my heart ache and daydream even more of the future I want with him and our family. We can do this, I truly believe. He just needs to agree and come home! Thinking about this too much depresses me, and unfortunately that seems to be the norm a few times throughout the day.

It's been a few days since I last posted, and not too much has changed in my little world!! Life continues to tick by, and I am still alive and my heart is beating. I am able to tell you that I had a nice weekend with my Lil Ladies, and husband! I actually got to spend some quality time with him, and it felt nice. It felt good to have the alone time I felt I needed with him, and I am hoping he enjoyed the time as well. Alyssa was at her first ever sleepover with a group of girls from school celebrating a birthday. I asked Ian if he wanted to go to dinner, and he said YES! We thought we had a gift card to a local restaurant that we both liked in the past, but the gift card ended up being inactive :( We still had an amazing meal, and drinks!! We chatted about the Army Vs Navy game that was currently going on, guns, and some people we know. The conversation kept flowing and we acted like we have never been apart. He shared his food with me, and seemed interested in doing so. I had such a great time, felt so good to have his full attention, and he didn't appear tired, score for me! Dessert was yummy too, Key lime pie! I want to add that before we arrived at the restaurant that we had a discussion about him possibly taking me to shoot a gun as he had to make a stop at the local gun range for a gift card for a Christmas present. He knew shooting a gun was on my "bucket list" and asked if I wanted to go. He ended up choosing not to go, but the thought that he remembered my list truly impressed me. :) It is the small things that I try to remain hopeful about. Maybe next time. We hung out a bit at the house before he left for the evening. Did I mention the washer and dryer he got for me?? Yes, you are reading correctly!! My husband took it upon himself to find a used washer and dryer set for the house. He knew of my dryer dying on me and not working for over a month. Saturday afternoon he brought the machines to the house and together we did what we could do together to get them into the house. Sunday I asked my friend to help finish the task, and it was indeed completed!! Major props to my husband for doing this for me. Felt good to finally have a working dryer, and to know he was behind it!! I thanked him for this, and he seemed to know I was really sincere. Sunday he also paid for some things needed at Home Depot that were needed for the house!! :) I can only hope this is the beginning of my husband coming around and possibly returning home. I am not getting my hopes up, but just what has been happening makes me hold onto hope and faith a little more! I am aware anything can change at any given moment.

I have yet to be able to schedule another meeting with my Pastor due to scheduling conflicts, but we are trying to work something out for a weekly basis :( I hope we can get this worked out soon because I know I need it. I did have a doctors appointment yesterday for a follow up in regards to my Zoloft, and my possible carpal tunnel syndrome in my hands.I am going to be remaining on the same dose of zoloft, and I am okay with it. I am just going to be switching it from night to morning to see if I can sleep better. I also have an order to have an EMG done on my arms/hands for possible carpal tunnel. This is scheduled for 12/27. I have had this some before, so I am aware of what will happen. Its a very minor test in my opinion. We will see what happens. I am also waiting for my Lupron medication to be denied, then accepted under my insurance so I can begin to solve my "female" ongoing problem. I have been having to go back and forth with new OBGYN to get this new medication approved. I have tried birth control to see if it would solve it, no luck. Tried the Depo shot, and it only left me bleeding for an entire month, and it wasn't fun. It also had me gain weight, no fun at all. I have now since gain almost 12 lbs:( I was 127, up a few lbs from my initial appt with the doctor!! Gross!! Anyways, the Lupron was approved by my insurance, but it needs to go through a few steps before it can be given to me. Another shot, fun!!:) I will make sure to keep you all up to date on this!!!

Alyssa is currently in Speech Therapy, and my hands are aching and hurting so I am going to stop here for the time being!!